DETROIT - Now that lots full of new cars are being abandoned, hobos are moving in to 'salvage' the battery acid and cook up a new treat for the street. Normally too sour to consume, the battery acid is mixed with pure aspartame to make a sweet tangy paste that the hobos are eating. Strangely, the hobos are being transformed by the experience. "I gave up drinking.", a hobo known as Hobopower said. " The pink elephants were beginning to bother me.

Battery manufacturers Duracell were fined £4.28 for gross indecency at Kent Magistrates Court yesterday. The giant conglomerate, well known for its superior longer-lasting batteries, found itself in trouble after the release of its latest TV advert last month. The advert features a row of naked women reclining on water beds, pleasuring themselves with rampant rabbits. One by one the women are frustrated as their batteries give out before orgasm is reached.